This year…

 

 

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I choose to relish the little moments with my husband and daughter

I choose to find joy and love amongst heart-ache and struggle

I choose to be grateful for all I have been given

I choose to pray more honestly and lay my heart out to God

I choose to bloom where I am planted

I hope to focus more on my character and less on my looks

I hope to live more adventurously

I want to be more respectful to my husband

I choose to listen more and blame less

I choose to support more and criticize less

I choose to see focus on my family and less on my iPhone/facebook/t.v.

3 months ago, I welcomed my daughter into the world, along with my loving and compassionate husband. She is what inspires me to be a better person. When she arrived, my life changed dramatically. All of a sudden, no lofty goals had much weight. I wanted to remedy her cries, and I wouldn’t give up. There is something about the love she brought into my life. No words I have come across can capture how my heart aches now. My heart aches for her to smile, my heart aches for her to sleep soundly and awake refreshed and hungry. My heart aches for her to know how much she is loved, no matter what. My heart aches to be the mommy she needs and wants. And, somewhere along the way, these past 3 months have taught me that lofty goals do matter. I hope this is a year of growth.

I have come to understand, after much thought, that I have many fears. My fears are that my sweet girl will hurt in ways that I have hurt. I was raised in a divorced family and the damage began before those papers were signed. I was a discarded ball of emotion. I longed for one of my parents to sit with me, hold me, look me in the eye and help me to understand none of it was my fault. I was good. I was worthy. I was lovable. But, sadly, as many children experience, this isn’t the case. There is no stable hand to hold. There is no time for the wide-eyed innocent by-stander. Shush! The “adults” are fighting. They are important.

Obviously, I don’t  want to repeat all this in my family. I strive vigorously to change my perspective and learn how to be the mother my sweet girl deserves and the wife my husband already sees me as being. I fear I may fail. But, as each moment passes. I am growing. I am learning how to be the mother she will look to as an example of excellent character. I want to be excellent. She deserves excellent. He deserves an admirable wife.

So, as 2016 begins, I was to be the mom with a  messy kitchen and lots of chores undone, because what really matters comes in a small package–with blue eyes, big feet, golden eyelashes and a grin that  melts my heart. And the one who is holding her, with light in his eyes, is my partner on this crazy journey.

Someday, I hope, we’ll be admiring the life God brought to two people, who didn’t deserve a single thing.

“God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called”

 

 

 

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